Bizarre Wars Episode 01: The Redundant Jedi
by skitzofrenia
Summary: Obi-Wan gets fired. Anakin has issues. Also, Mace Windu is very much like a jolly old uncle and Yoda is a real jerk. Welcome to Earth, Jedi Order.
1. Episode 01: The Redundant Jedi

_Episode 1: The Redundant Jedi_  
  
**Warning:** Some inebriation, gratuitous bad influence of elders on teenagers, Obi-Wan being sullen and snappy, Mace Windu being pleasant, Yodabeing malicious, Anakin being annoying as usual and general Jedi mayhem. About four occurrences of the 'F'-word, and I don't mean 'Force'. Unintentional mild slashy undertones.  
  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters (except Obi-Wan's smarmy best friend Vernon, obviously), they belong to George Lucas. Remote Pacific island inspired by weirdy Destiny's Child video for 'Survivor'. Hereston is totally fictional and based on stereotypes of almost-cities everywhere. I have no idea how old Obi-Wan is during the _Attack of the Clones _period, so the age bit is purely based on how old we think he looks.

* * *

Obi-Wan had never felt happier. He was surrounded by his friends on his 35th birthday and he had just had the day off from training that spoilt brat Annie, who had been deposited to the Jedi Library to perform community service early that morning. Obi-Wan was at the moment recounting his duel with Darth Maul.  
  
"Thish ish the ugly bassard," he said. "Musht have horns, thish swizzle shtick can be horns."  
  
"It's just a tankard with a swizzle stick," said his smarmy best friend, Vernon.  
  
"No, no, ish ugly bassard!"  
  
"I think we should go home now, Obi."  
  
"You no fun," said Obi-Wan, pouting. "One more Bailey's for the road?"  
  
"NO! Oh, hell. Just...let's get to the speeder, okay?"  
  
"Obi _want _balls!"  
  
"Well, Obi can't bloody well _have _balls...I mean, Bailey's. Obi will go home, and tomorrow Obi will go back to training Annie." Vernon felt stupid. It was like talking to a four-year-old.  
  
"Annie bassard."  
  
Vernon sighed, got up and dragged Obi-Wan to his feet. He then frogmarched Obi-Wan to his speeder and flew him home.

* * *

  
"Are you alright, Master?"  
  
"Anakin, please stop yelling," moaned Obi-Wan. "And can you go a bit slower?"  
  
"I wasn't yelling, and we're only doing 15mph," said Anakin, as yet another speeder passed them by, blaring its horn, the driver giving them a dirty look and sticking a finger up in the air. Anakin was very embarrassed. He was driving like Yoda, and so far, thirty-six speeders, twenty-three cargo freighters and eleven postal transports had passed them by. He didn't really mind the speeders, or even the cargo freighters, but postal transports? _Everyone_ knew that Intergalactic Postal Service employees were the slowest drivers in the universe!   
  
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and slumped his head on the headrest of the High Council speeder which he and Anakin had taken for their own personal use. Anakin glanced at his Master with renewed respect. Well, well, the old guy had enough pluck in him to get drunk the night before High Council evaluation. Not bad. But not good either.  
  
"Master?"  
  
"What did I tell you about yelling?!"  
  
Anakin decided to let this one pass. "If we don't go any faster, we'll be late for the evaluation."  
  
Obi-Wan, who was pallid and had ugly dark rings under his eyes, glared at the 'Exclusive Property of the Jedi High Council' sticker on the dashboard and said, "Well, the bloody High Council can stuff the bloody evaluation up their bums."  
  
"Master!" said Anakin, shocked.  
  
"Wish I was a Sith, then I could rise against that twit midget Yoda and bash his stupid brains out with my light saber, then absolutely _slay_ him."  
  
"But..."  
  
"And if I was a Sith I could be called something really goth, like...oh, I don't know, Count Kenobi, or Darth Torturous, or Darth _Vicious_, yeah, that would be great."  
  
Anakin kept his mouth shut as Obi-Wan kept staring at the dashboard. He had meant to ask Obi-Wan whether he could hang his love-beads-and-fluffy-pink-peace-trinket medallion on the rear view mirror, but had decided that this wasn't a very good time.  
  
"Oh, for God's sake, Anakin."  
  
"What, Master?" Anakin asked anxiously. He wouldn't put Obi-Wan past doing a bit of mind-reading in his current state.  
  
"What possessed you to buy these...these monstrosities?" Obi-Wan was talking about the porcelain dog with the nodding head, the grinning, bouncing clown that went "Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!" whenever they hit an air-pocket and the air freshener disguised as a bouquet of painfully bright yellow flowers on the dashboard.  
  
"They look very friendly!" protested Anakin.  
  
"They look bloody daft. And will you drive faster and cut through this traffic jam? We'll be late for the High Council evaluation."  
  
Anakin grinned a rather evil grin. "If you say so, Master."  
  
"NOT _THAT_ FAST!" yelled Obi-Wan in horror as Anakin executed a sequence of mad, tight turns that made the needle on the G-force counter on the panel go crazy before breaking off the limit.  
  
The last thing Obi-Wan remembered before he passed out was Anakin cackling madly.

* * *

  
"Obi-Wan? Are you alright?"  
  
"Master? I'm sorry about the ride."  
  
Obi-Wan opened his eyes, only to be almost blinded by the light streaming in from the picture window of the High Council's conference room. He was surrounded by the Jedi High Council. Anakin looked worried and apologetic. Master Windu looked none too happy. Yoda looked very amused.  
  
"I'm fine," he said, trying to sit up. He instantly regretted it, as his head felt as though it was being used as the venue for a rehearsal of a _Riverdance-Fame_ fusion musical? with clog-dancers. "But let me just say again how you'll be the death of me one day."  
  
"Don't say that, Master."  
  
"Ah, come to his senses he finally has," said Yoda, hobbling towards Obi-Wan. For the first time in ages, their eyes actually met at Yoda's eye-level. "Get up, Obi-Wan. Time for evaluation it is."  
  
Obi-Wan got up unsteadily with much help from Anakin, who seemed to think, after his fainting in the speeder, that his Master was rather feeble and weak.   
  
"Gently, Master."  
  
"I am not Yoda, Anakin," came the snappy reply.  
  
"Trying to tell me something you are, Obi-Wan?" asked Yoda, narrowing his eyes at the wayward Jedi Knight.  
  
"No, no, Master Yoda. I was just merely trying to impress on Anakin that I am not as wise and responsible as you," said Obi-Wan, trying hard not to barf with contained sarcasm.  
  
"Mmm." Yoda often did this ambiguous humming when he didn't have a smart retort to deliver, or when he was unsure whether he was being mocked or revered.  
  
"Well, despite the fact that it is quite obvious that you - or should I say your Padawan - made the effort to get here on time, due to your fainting spell, you're late," said Mace Windu, stating the obvious as usual.  
  
"It is not the fault of my Padawan, Master Windu," said Obi-Wan dutifully, at the same time as Anakin said anxiously, "It is not the fault of my Master, Master Yoda." Obi-Wan of course, put the blame solely on Anakin, but since Anakin was supposedly the Chosen One who would bring Balance back into the Force (note the capitalisations), he wasn't supposed to blame him for anything.  
  
Yoda waddled off to his seat within the High Council ring. Obi-Wan felt a dire urge to kick Yoda in the behind and send him fly out the window. He stumbled to the centre of the ring, followed by Anakin. As he stood there, he was conscious that he was swaying back and forth and side to side. Or was it merely his perception of the room that was swaying? He felt ill.  
  
"Master," hissed Anakin. "Are you sure you're alright?" Anakin didn't know whether to be amused, worried or annoyed. Sure, it was great to know that Obi-Wan was the kind of guy who went out drinking and partying the night away, but drinking and partying the night away the night before a Jedi High Council evaluation was very stupid, and the fact that Obi-Wan's skin had taken a rather greenish hue was very disturbing.  
  
"Don't... make... me... talk. Might... puke. Try... answer... for... me," Obi-Wan muttered.  
  
"So, Obi-Wan," boomed Yoda nastily, relishing in the fact that for once, Obi-Wan wouldn't be able to be snappy and sarcastic. "Explain your conduct last night you must."  
  
"Master Yoda, may I reply on his behalf?" asked Anakin anxiously.  
  
"No. Answer from the donkey's own mouth I must hear."  
  
"Fuck off," muttered Obi-Wan under his breath.   
  
"SAY WHAT DID YOU?!"  
  
"Umm... I believe he said, 'I'm a sloth', Master Yoda," said Anakin hastily as he delivered a surreptitious kick to Obi-Wan's shin. Obi-Wan, trying to clutch his leg in his post-inebriation imbalance, fell forward. Anakin grabbed his cloak and pulled him back up again. "Sorry, Master, my foot slipped."  
  
"It's alright, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan. _You are so dead, Anakin_, he thought.  
  
"So, Obi-Wan. Your explanation we await."  
  
Obi-Wan decided to just be frank and hope for the best. "I was celebrating my birthday and I got drunk."  
  
"In a strip club?"  
  
"Yes, in a strip club."  
  
"A _male_ strip club."  
  
"Yes, a male strip club. We heard that the stri... _performers_ did really unique interpretations of 'Build Me Up, Buttercup' and 'Kokomo'," said Obi-Wan, staring at his boots.  
  
"Ahem... 'we', did you say? Your Padawan with you was he?"  
  
"No, Master Yoda, Anakin was safely in bed as he should have been."  
  
Yoda turned towards Anakin. "Is this true, Padawan?"  
  
"Yes, Master."  
  
Yoda sighed. "Obi-Wan, realise you do that not the first time this is. Done this before you have."  
  
"I'm..."  
  
Master Windu interrupted. "You're sorry and you won't do it again? It would work but unfortunately you've said it several times before, Obi-Wan."  
  
"But I really mean it this time."  
  
"Sure how can we be? Not too careful have you been, Obi-Wan."  
  
Master Windu sighed. "It does not bode well for the Jedi Order that you have been spotted doing things that are quite obviously against the Jedi Code. Therefore we have no choice but to..." His voice trailed away.  
  
Obi-Wan looked at Master Windu's grave face. He gasped. "No."  
  
"I'm afraid so."  
  
Anakin was very worried. "Master?"  
  
"You're fired, Obi-Wan. Effective immediately, you will renounce your status as a Knight of the Jedi Order."  
  
Obi-Wan just stared at each and every member of the High Council. Most of them looked sorry for the wayward Jedi. Yoda and his cronies looked smug and smarmy. Obi-Wan sighed. Without another word, he bowed and turned to leave. Anakin made as if to follow him.  
  
"Anakin," said Yoda. "Stay you will. Under new Master you will train."  
  
Anakin turned around to face the diminutive Jedi Master. He stuck a finger up in the air.  
  
"Fuck off."

* * *

  
A week later, Anakin and Obi-Wan were lazing about in Obi-Wan's very bachelor pad of a home. Their daily routine now consisted mostly of drinking hot beverages (including tea, hot chocolate, coffee and Bovril), fooling around with the espresso machine, High Council-bashing and berating each other for their behaviour at what was very likely their last High Council evaluation.  
  
"You didn't have to do that, Anakin. _Honestly_. I mean, Yoda gets on everyone's nerves sometimes but... 'Fuck off'? How stupid was that?"  
  
"But Master, you said it yourself."  
  
"Yes, but I'm considered an eccentric rebel of a Jedi Knight, just like Qui-Gon was. I can get away with things like that, most times. But you. You're the Chosen One. I mean, how bad would it look in the _Annals of the Jedi Order_ if it were to be reported that the Knight who would bring Balance back into the Force said 'Fuck off' to the High Council Chief during an evaluation where his Master was fired for being drunk once too many times?"  
  
"Hey, it would spice up the _Annals_."  
  
"We're black sheep, Anakin. We've ruined it all."  
  
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Obi-Wan sighed.  
  
"We're no longer Jedi Knights, we can't help you, we don't give to charity because we're jobless and we don't want to buy anything you might have to offer," he yelled.  
  
The door clicked open to reveal the rather imposing figure of Master Windu. Obi-Wan groaned.  
  
"Oh, man, what d'you want now?"  
  
"Obi-Wan, you do realise that you still have in your possession a speeder that belongs to the High Council?"  
  
"Oh, great. Just great. Here. Take the keys. Take the speeder. And go away."  
  
"But that is not why I have come."  
  
Obi-Wan looked up from his armchair. He raised an eyebrow.  
  
"The High Council has agreed to let you keep the speeder."  
  
"Wow, that sure is nice of them. What other goodies are you putting into my redundancy pay?"  
  
"The High Council would also like to tell you that it apologises and partially withdraws its decision to fire you."  
  
Obi-Wan stared at Master Windu. "What?"  
  
"You're not fired. Well, not fully, anyway."  
  
"Why? And what does it mean, 'not fully fired'?"  
  
"It means that whatever you put in the oven isn't really cooked yet," said Master Windu, laughing at his own joke. Obi-Wan gave him a patronising glance. Master Windu cleared his throat. "Well, you are no longer a Jedi Knight, that remains the same, but you will still be responsible in training Anakin."  
  
"WHAT?!" yelled both Anakin and Obi-Wan, though Anakin sounded happy while Obi-Wan sounded rather anguished.  
  
"You will be despatched to your new location tomorrow at dawn. And let me tell you this," Master Windu's eyes sparkled in quite a friendly way for the first time since Obi-Wan had met him. "We will keep a blind eye to how you cope with your new surroundings. After all, Obi-Wan, you are no longer a Jedi Knight, but you are still a Jedi." As suddenly as he had come, Master Windu bowed and left.  
  
Obi-Wan gaped at the door. Anakin grinned at him happily.  
  
"I suppose that means we warrant another chapter in the _Annals_, eh, Master?"  
  
"Shut up, Anakin. Go pack your things."  
  
"But what is there to pack?"  
  
"Your toothbrush, a spare pair of clothes, a packed lunch and whatever things of sentimental value."  
  
"Does Padme count as sentimental value?"  
  
"No. I said 'sentimental', not 'sexual'."  
  
Anakin looked a little disappointed. "Can I go over to her place and say goodbye, then?"  
  
Obi-Wan observed Anakin's annoying hopeful puppy manner and relented. "Yes, I suppose you could. Don't take too long though." He tossed the speeder keys to Anakin. Anakin looked at his Master with renewed affection. He wasn't so bad after all.  
  
"I love you, Master."  
  
"Anakin, I'm just supposed to train you, not induct you into my nonexistent harem. Now go."  
  
As Anakin bounced happily out of Obi-Wan's home, Obi-Wan began to worry. What primitive planet will they be sent to? He must prepare himself for any eventuality. He began to walk around the house, mentally noting what may and may not be of use in a new, hostile environment.  
  
He wouldn't put it past the Jedi High Council (especially Yoda) to put them on a planet where men could dress up as women and earn millions.

* * *

  
A little later, at Padme's palace, all was not well.  
  
"You're leaving? What do you mean you're leaving?!"  
  
"I have to follow the will of the High Council, Paddy. You understand."  
  
"No, I bloody well don't. What do you mean by just barging in here and telling me you won't be around starting from tomorrow? We're _married_, for crying out loud! And I'm _pregnant_!"  
  
"Well, I have to go with Master Obi-Wan," explained Anakin. Padme made a rather impatient noise that for anyone less royal would have been considered a snort.   
  
"Master Obi-Wan, Master Obi-Wan, Master Obi-Wan! That's all you've been able to talk about since you began training! I thought you hated the guy. I thought you said he was holding you back. What, now he's _literally_ got you by the balls?"  
  
"You don't understand..."  
  
"Yeah, you can say that again."  
  
"?Master Obi-Wan's gotten to be quite bearable, even _nice_ sometimes. He really isn't all that bad. He kinda grows on you..."  
  
"Yes, like some bloody _fungus_!" screeched Padme. Anakin winced and dodged to avoid the paperweight she had just thrown at him.  
  
"Look, Paddy..."  
  
"It's _Senator_ Amidala, _if_ you please."  
  
Anakin sighed. Padme glared at him, and he just looked back at her. He had to make a decision, and he had to make it now. He had to either tell Padme that it was all a joke and that he wasn't really leaving, that he'd never leave her to prance off to some as yet unknown destination with Obi-Wan to complete his Jedi training or...  
  
"Goodbye, Senator Amidala."  
  
...he could do that.

* * *

  
It was getting late, and Obi-Wan was worried. It was not like Anakin to just traipse off to Padme's and not tell him if he was coming back late. This wasn't responsibility on Anakin's part; he merely liked to gloat to Obi-Wan that he was in a relationship while Obi-Wan was mostly trying to avoid getting into any.  
  
He picked up his pocket holocommunicator and set it to Padme's frequency.  
  
"Padme, is Anakin still there? If he is, can you tell him to..."  
  
"Fuck off, you bastard homewrecker." The line went dead.  
  
"That was weird." He boiled it down to raging pregnancy hormones and left it at that.

* * *

  
Much later that night, Obi-Wan was sitting in his armchair again, which he had turned to face the door. He had finished packing long ago. Just as he was nodding off to sleep, he heard the door open.   
  
"Mmmph?"  
  
"Sorry I'm late, Master."  
  
"Where were you, Anakin? I wanted to go and look for you, but you took the speeder, so..."  
  
"As I said, I'm sorry."  
  
"I take that the talk with Padme didn't go to well?"  
  
"She told you?"  
  
"No, not in so many words, but it wasn't that hard to guess. Are you alright?"  
  
"I'd rather not talk about it, Master."  
  
Obi-Wan let Anakin walk past him to go to his room. "Anakin?"  
  
"Yes, Master?"  
  
"I'd be the first person to tell you that it's not easy being a Jedi. You have to make a lot of sacrifices. You have to understand that. And I know this is the last thing you want to hear from me, but let this be a lesson to you."  
  
"Yes, Master."  
  
Anakin went to his room and began to pack. He looked at the deactivated C3PO and R2D2 in the corner. He didn't care what Master Obi-Wan or any of the High Council told him, he was not leaving them behind. After all, they could come in useful.  
  
Later, as he lay in bed, he heard Obi-Wan stumble into _his_ own bedroom and trip over one of the boxes he had packed. There was a strange, resonating 'vrr-ziong'/'v-zhmm' type of noise, followed by a crash and a yell. This in turn was followed by some muffled swearing and a barely decipherable "stupid light-saber!"  
  
"Are you alright, Master?" he yelled, just to make sure.  
  
"I'm fine, Anakin! Apart from the fact that I have just tripped over my light-saber, singed my robes, sliced the chest of drawers in half and almost got myself bloody decapitated in the process, I just couldn't be better!" came the grumpy reply.  
  
"If you say so, Master."  
  
Soon he heard his Master brushing his teeth, and after that, he heard his Master flop onto the bed. The snores came almost immediately after. This always happened. For the first few minutes of sleep, Obi-Wan would snore embarrassingly loudly. It was useless trying to get any sleep in those first few minutes.  
  
So Anakin got up and began to walk around the house that he had lived in on and off since he had begun training under Obi-Wan. He saw the singe-marks from his first attempts at using a light-saber indoors without proper supervision (Obi-Wan hadn't too pleased about that one, he remembered). He also saw the graffiti in awkward places that Obi-Wan had missed, like the "Obi-Wanker" under the kitchen sink, the "Mace-spray Wind-u" behind the living room curtain and the "Should be Yadda not Yoda" just above the hallway skirting board.  
  
He was going to miss this house.


	2. Episode 02: Hereston Hell

_Episode 2: Hereston Hell_  
  
**Story notes:** This isn't finished yet, because it wasn't even supposed to _be_ a _Bizarre Wars _episode. This was originally supposed to be an _in-between-episodes_ filler to explain the trivial details of how Anakin and Obi-Wan got their undercover Earth identities and what their first few days on Earth were like. It was meant to be only about 10 pages long, but it ended up being more than 20 pages! This is the unfinished version – the finished version is on my other computer, but I'll upload it within the next couple of weeks.  
  
**Warning:** Stupid anagrams, the revelation of new identities, disastrous attempts at trying to fit in.  
  
**Disclaimer:** Characters from Star Wars (you should know who they are) belong to George Lucas. Jabatan Eksais Dan Imigresen belongs to the Malaysian Immigration Department.

* * *

  
  
At dawn of the day that they were to leave Obi-Wan's excellent and soon to be sorely missed bachelor pad, there was typical moving out confusion. The type of confusion that makes you unpack most of your boxes to find your toothbrush, only to find it on the bathroom shelf, where you had left it the night before, ready for use.  
  
"ANAKIN! Are you awake yet?"  
  
"Yes, Master."  
  
"Well, hurry up, the transport will be here any minute."  
  
"I'm having some trouble getting my...luggage downstairs." There was a clattering-thudding noise as the 'luggage' approached Obi-Wan at the base of the stairs.  
  
"Anakin, what the devil...?"  
  
"I say, Master Obi-Wan, it seems as though I've lost my head...or to be more accurate, my body," said a literally very removed voice. This was followed by some indecipherable machine-babble coming from what looked to be a modified garbage can.  
  
Obi-Wan groaned. "Tell me you are _not_ bringing these two jokers with us."  
  
Anakin looked adamant. "They might come in useful, Master. I believe it would be wise to bring them along."  
  
"This isn't some Padme-deficiency thing acting up, now, is it?"  
  
"I believe I said I didn't want to talk about that, Master."  
  
Things would have gotten quite ugly if it hadn't been for a mad honking coming from right outside their door. The door opened to reveal a disturbingly bright and chirpy looking Master Windu.  
  
"We will discuss this upon arrival, Anakin," said Obi-Wan ominously.  
  
"There is nothing to discuss, Master," Anakin replied coolly.  
  
"Well, well, well!" boomed Master Windu. "How are my two favourite Jedi people? Ready to embark on our journey?"  
  
Anakin and Obi-Wan grumbled and muttered indecipherable replies.  
  
"Hmm," said Master Windu. "Before you go, you may want to consider wearing these. It will help you blend in." He handed Anakin a pair of blue jeans, a t-shirt, socks and sneakers. Obi-Wan got a suit (complete with boring blue-and-black striped tie), socks and shoes made from the skin of a cow.  
  
"What the...?"  
  
"And may I suggest cutting the braid off, Anakin? It might make your new neighbours worry about having you around. And Obi-Wan, I think a shave may be in order..."  
  
"NO!"  
  
"Well, have it your way," said Master Windu with a shrug. "Oh, I almost forgot." He took out from the folds of his robe two pairs of boxer shorts. "You have to wear these as well."  
  
After some hilarious attempts on Anakin and Obi-Wan's part to put on the clothes (well, it was hilarious to Master Windu, as Anakin and Obi-Wan not only felt stupid, they felt very uncomfortable), they were finally on their way. Anakin walked to the speeder with a rather provocative strut because of the discomfort caused by his jeans, and Obi-Wan felt as though he was being strangled.  
  
"Where are we going, Master Windu?" asked Anakin, fidgeting in his seat.  
  
"To a remote Pacific island, where we will board a private plane owned by the Jedi High Council - registered under _your_ name, Obi-Wan - and head for a town called Hereston. Once at the airport there, we will get into a private Range Rover and head for the suburbs, where we have secured a home for you."  
  
Anakin's ears perked up. "Private plane?"  
  
"It's like a very big speeder crossed with a house," explained Master Windu.  
  
"Airport?"  
  
"A place where people gather to get onto public planes to leave town, Anakin, be it for work or pleasure."  
  
"Range Rover?"  
  
"A speeder that moves on land, with a lot of space in it, often used to move either a small group of people, or a few people with a lot of things, like yourselves."  
  
"Suburbs?!"  
  
"Where people live if they don't live in the town itself, Anakin. The outskirts of town. Pleasant outskirts, mind you."  
  
"Excuse my ignorance, Master Windu..."  
  
"Certainly, Obi-Wan."  
  
"...but where exactly is Pacific?"  
  
"_The_ Pacific, Obi-Wan. Why, it's on the planet Earth."  
  
"Earth?! You're sending us to _Earth_?!"  
  
"It's not as bad as people make it out to be, Obi-Wan."  
  
"But the Earthlings are heathens! They have an unhealthy fascination for anything that comes from outside their planet!" Obi-Wan was struck with a sudden thought. "Oh, dear God. They'll hunt us! They'll put us in white-walled cages and cut us up on a shiny table and weigh our innards!"  
  
"Obi-Wan, really. Calm down. You are frightening your Padawan." Anakin had turned pale and was clutching onto his seat, muttering, "No, no, no, take me home, take me home".  
  
"But..."  
  
"Let me make this clear, Obi-Wan. We took a lot of things into consideration when we were deciding on where to place you and Anakin..."  
  
"You want to kill us!" Obi-Wan gasped theatrically.  
  
"...and Earth is really the most ideal place for you. There is hardly any trouble there that would require Jedi intervention, you both look like humans - no surprise, since you _are_ humans - and you can practice your light-saber work by indulging in an activity called 'fencing'. Plus, if you act out of character, they'll just think you have some personality quirks. It's perfect."  
  
Obi-Wan still looked extremely worried. Anakin's eyes were now tightly shut, and he was mumbling something about all of this being "just a really bad dream".  
  
"Are you sure we won't be caught and cut up on a stainless steel table and have our internal organs weighed to see whether we're normal?"  
  
"You'll be fine, Obi-Wan. Have faith in the guidance of the Force."  
  
"I have plenty of faith in the guidance of the Force, I just don't have much faith in the decisions of the Jedi High Council."

A week before, Obi-Wan would have told anyone who asked that his worst experience was _that_ G-force record-breaking ride with Anakin. If anyone had asked him that same question at that very moment he was on the way to Earth, he probably would have replied, "Worst experience? Possibly anything that happens later today, or tomorrow, or any day after that. Oh, bloody hell. The rest of my _life_ will be my worst experience!" and burst into tears.

* * *

  
  
After a rather forgettable transit at the remote Pacific island (where Anakin was whistled and catcalled at, while Obi-Wan was asked whether he'd like some shells with the sound of the ocean in them), our heroes boarded the private plane, which had 'JEDI' emblazoned on the sides.  
  
"Isn't it rather obvious, having a plane that says 'JEDI' on it?"  
  
"Not exactly, Obi-Wan. You see, depending on where we are, we manage to make up rather hush-hush or impressive sounding meanings for 'JEDI'. For example, when we're here, on this island, it stands for 'Jabatan Eksais Dan Imigresen' - in English that's Excise and Immigration Department. In Hereston, it represents a corporate-sponsored international non-governmental organisation called 'Jingoists for Earth's Diverse Intellectuals'. Haven't you heard about it?"  
  
"No..."  
  
"Well, about time you did," said Master Windu, handing Obi-Wan a pamphlet about the company. Obi-Wan skimmed through it.  
  
"You fight for the rights of _weirdos_ to be called _geniuses_?!"  
  
Master Windu looked scandalised. "Obi-Wan! You _musn't_ call them weirdos! They have unique talents which can be used to improve the lives of people all over the world!"  
  
"Yes, like this guy here... _'I have been walking backwards all my life. I also sleep with my head at the foot of the bed and cut steak with a fork and pop it into my mouth with a knife. I have done everything backwards, and have therefore proven that it is possible for Man to move forward by moving backward.'_ What can he possibly do to improve the lives of people all over the world?"  
  
"Well, he's rather philosophical, and who knows, there might just be another Enlightenment in a few decades. He could lead the new breed of philosophes."  
  
"_What_ new breed of philosophes?!"  
  
"Why, our other Diverse Intellectuals, of course."  
  
Obi-Wan looked at Master Windu in disbelief. Master Windu didn't notice.  
  
"Besides, Obi-Wan, our Diverse Intellectuals are often very magnetic personalities. Our corporate sponsors love magnetic personalities that they can use for their advertising campaigns. We get money from our corporate sponsors. We used that money to buy your house. And your car. And to open a substantial bank account and invent an identity."  
  
"Invent an identity?"  
  
Master Windu shifted rather uncomfortably in his seat. "We'll get into that when we get to Hereston, alright?" 

* * *

  
  
Anakin had nodded off to sleep on the plane. He woke up to the sound of music. Well, if it could be considered music, because Obi-Wan had his eyes shut tight and his hands clamped over his ears.__

_I don't wanna close my eyes  
I don't wanna fall asleep  
'Cause I'd miss you baby   
And I don't wanna miss a thing!_

  
  
"Have I?" he asked Master Windu sleepily.  
  
"Have you what, Anakin?"   
  
"Have I missed anything?"  
  
"A bunch of clouds, the sea, a game of 'I Spy' with Obi-Wan which ended in the first round when Obi-Wan said, and I quote, 'I bloody spy with my bloody little eye something bloody beginning with bloody C?bloody hell, it's bloody everywhere! BLOODY CLOUDS!' So you haven't missed anything much, really, Anakin."  
  
Anakin looked out the window. He could see Obi-Wan's tortured face reflected in it from across the aisle.   
  
"Master Windu, can we _please_ put something else on?"  
  
"Why, Obi-Wan. You must assimilate yourself with Earth culture. You are now listening to Aerosmith. They're a very popular Earth band."  
  
"Well, it sounds like cats yowling."  
  
"I like it, Master."  
  
"No one asked your opinion, Anakin," came the rather bitchy reply.  
  
Anakin decided to shut up. When Master Obi-Wan got catty like that, he usually suffered the consequences for a week (it didn't matter if it wasn't Anakin's fault, which it usually was anyway). And he definitely didn't want to sleep in the streets for a week on a hostile, unfamiliar planet.

* * *

_unfinished_

* * *

  
  
_Episode 3_ coming up. Yes, _Episode 3_. I have a tendency to skip episodes


	3. Episode 03: The Shopping Menace

_Episode 3: The Shopping Menace_  
  
**Warning:** Gratuitous sarcasm, shopping mania, fangirl-types, immature insulting and general hypermarket mayhem.  
  
**Disclaimer:** All characters except fangirl-types belong to George Lucas. Ratty old Fiat Cinquecento taken from my own experience as an exchange student in Italy, where my awful first set of host parents only had a ratty old Fiat and a scooter. I do not own Nesquik, Venus, Cutex, Limp Bizkit, Johnny Bravo, Britney Spears, Thomas the Tank Engine or weirdly cute psycho-happy farm animals. 

* * *

  
  
"Ah, how wonderful of you to join us for breakfast for once, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan Kenobi, flipping an omelette in the air and deftly catching it behind his back with his eyes closed, like any Jedi worth his Force.  
  
"Show off you must not. For peacekeeping the Force is, not flipping egg pancake," said Master Yoda disapprovingly. He had decided to join Obi-Wan for breakfast, and to his annoyance was perched in Anakin's old baby highchair, which Anakin had salvaged from his old home after his mother had expired.  
  
Obi-Wan gave Yoda a look. "Well, I'm not officially a Jedi anymore am I? You fired me, so I can do whatever I want with my powers." He stuck his tongue out at the old Jedi Master.  
  
Anakin stumbled to the dining table, yawning loudly as he sat down. Obi-Wan then flipped the omelette into the air towards him. Anakin picked up a plate and flung it in Yoda's direction, catching the omelette on its way. The plate landed smack dab on top of Yoda's highchair table attachment.  
  
Yoda picked at his omelette suspiciously. "Ah," he said, glaring at Obi-Wan. "Cheese you put as filling. Forget you that lactose intolerant I am, hmm?"  
  
Obi-Wan looked as though he wanted to pull his lightsaber out on the Jedi Master. "That yellow stuff's not cheese, it's bananas. Don't tell me you don't like bananas. This," he said, flipping an omelette at Anakin with a flourish, "is a cheese omelette."  
  
"Thank you, Master," Anakin said rather absentmindedly. He had been staring at Obi-Wan's plate, which was laden with dry rye crackers and an assortment of fibrous orange, purple and green things. "Do we have a rabbit that you never told me about, Master?"   
"No, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan evenly through gritted teeth. "This is my breakfast."  
  
Yoda smirked into his banana omelette. "High time on a diet you went, hmm? Getting portly you are, Obi-Wan."  
  
Anakin felt an angry surge in Obi-Wan's Force and wisely changed the subject before his master acted in a way unbecoming of an ex-Jedi Knight. "When will I begin my new training module, Master?"  
  
Obi-Wan shot him a dirty look. Yes, Anakin would be the death of him. In the meantime he was causing him to act in a very un-ex-Jedi-like manner.  
  
Yoda's pointy ears perked up. "Hmm? What is this 'new training module', Obi-Wan? Commissioned it the Council has not."  
  
"I'm training him in the art of cookery, Master Yoda. He must learn to fend for himself if anything were to happen to me."  
  
"Mmm..."

* * *

  
  
The next week, just before lunch one day, Yoda slowly waddled his way into Obi-Wan's kitchen, having used his Jedi powers to unlock the door when no-one came to answer the doorbell (which he reached via levitation, in case you were wondering).   
  
In the kitchen, a rather frightening sight greeted him. Obi-Wan was whacking Anakin upside the head repeatedly with a wooden spoon, Anakin was trying to defend himself with a balloon whisk, and there seemed to be a lot of steam about, not to mention evil smells.  
  
"I _told_ you to put the water in with the onions, butter and sugar! The water will evaporate as the onions cook!"  
  
"But if you mix fat and water together in a pan, Master, the fat splatters!"  
  
"Well, that's part of cooking! If you put the water in later, you'll get soggy fried onions with sugar bits stuck on them instead of caramelised onions!"  
  
Anakin glared sulkily at his master. "Caramelised onions suck anyway, Master."  
  
Obi-Wan stopped whacking Anakin with the wooden spoon and exclaimed, "You also let the soup overboil, my _stupid_ young Padawan! And how many times do I have to tell you that you put the fish and tomatoes in the second you put the flame out because they cook very fast?!"  
  
"Well, I'm sorry, but at least I've learnt how to boil eggs now," Anakin said, trying to placate the irate Obi-Wan. He hadn't seen his master this pissed off since that duel with Count Dooku where Yoda ended up saving both their arses.  
  
"Yes, but have you learnt how to boil them to be soft, medium or hard? No! You haven't learnt anything!" Obi-Wan shrieked. Yup, he was pissed.  
  
Yoda waved his hand. The smoke and steam cleared, the soup was put right, and the onions were caramelised. The evil smell was also gone, replaced by a nice, fresh, woody smell, much like pines.  
  
"Teaching not very successful, Obi-Wan," he said. It was more of a statement than a question.  
  
Obi-Wan sighed dramatically. Anakin thought that his Master looked rather camp when he cooked and fought hard not to laugh. Yoda caught his eye and nodded.  
  
"It isn't that he's particularly stupid, Master Yoda, it is just that he never listens! If he had his own way I'm sure he'd be living off baked beans on toast and soft drinks!" Obi-Wan looked utterly scandalised at the thought.  
  
"Going about the wrong way in teaching him you are, Obi-Wan," said Yoda sagely. "Begin with what he knows and likes first we must. Come, my young Padawan."  
  
Obi-Wan glared at their backs as he followed them out the door. He resented the fact that Master Yoda was quite blatantly stealing his Padawan from under his nose. "You just like him better because he's the Chosen One who will put the Force back into Balance, and I was one of those borderline cases you were so against training into Jedi Knights," he said rather sulkily.  
  
Yoda turned and stared him down, a rather amazing feat for someone so short even when you take into account the Jedi-Force thing. "Favouritist I am not, Obi-Wan. Unbecoming it is for you to sulk like this. Bad to see for your Padawan." He turned and approached Obi-Wan's ratty old Fiat Cinquecento, one of the few means of transportation that the Jedi Council could afford to get for the wayward Jedi Knight.  
  
As he buckled himself into the baby-seat, Yoda stared at the back of Obi-Wan's head and sighed. "Much trouble you have caused me, Obi-Wan. When Padawan you were, bet I placed with Master Windu on you failing to complete training."  
  
Obi-Wan looked at the Jedi Master in the rearview mirror.  
  
"Lost that bet I did. Ah, strong you were in the force, Obi-Wan. Though very clever you were not," Yoda said. He thought to himself, _Like his own Padawan he was. Why entrust our hope in clumsy hands of this moron did we?_  
  
Anakin decided to call a truce between himself and his master. "Where are we going, Master?" he said, quite politely for once.  
  
"The hypermarket, Anakin."

* * *

  
  
Obi-Wan was embarrassed out of his wits. He was pushing a trolley with a Jedi Master disguised as a toddler in the child seat exclaiming at the fifty-seven brands of cornflakes and a randy young Padawan flirting with anything slightly female-looking by his side.  
  
"Hey, how you doin', sweetcakes? Wanna go high with the Skywalker?" said Anakin, flicking a his braid back and winking coyly.  
  
A few hormonal teenage fangirl-types giggled and scuttled off excitedly to tell their friends about their encounter with 'the cute new boy in the neighbourhood'.  
  
"Anakin, please. Keep your mind to the task."  
  
"Berate him do not, Obi-Wan. Remember I when you were young and sex-charged. Much trouble Qui-Gon had clearing problem of your bastard children," Yoda said before exclaiming at the twenty-three different brands of pasta bolognese sauce.  
  
Anakin looked at his Master, who was trying to look engrossed in the nutritional facts of a packet of freeze-dried peas. Obi-Wan wished Anakin would look away so he could put the peas down before he got frostbite in his hand.  
  
"You have bastard children, Master?"  
  
"Yes, my young Padawan," answered Obi-Wan shortly. He began pushing the trolley towards the fresh produce section.  
  
"How many, Master? And what are they doing now?"  
  
Obi-Wan gave Anakin a dirty look. "Just six, Anakin. Ramekin is now twenty-two and working as a public relations officer for Chancellor Palpatine; Dimitri is your age, doing God-knows-what God-knows-where; John is sixteen, I believe he's staying with his mother and studying like a normal boy; Flora is sixteen and works as a dancer in a nightclub on Naboo; Vixen is twelve and is a shampoo-girl at a hairsalon on Alderaan and Cretin is a six-year-old peddler selling plastic containers on Tatooine. Which reminds me," he said, looking down at Yoda, who was conveniently staring at a bunch of carrots. "When can he go into training, Master Yoda?"  
  
"In tune with Force he is not. Train him we cannot. Better off he is peddling Tupperware," Yoda said reaching out for the carrots. Obi-Wan surreptitiously jerked the trolley away from the fresh produce aisle, causing the midget Jedi Master to squawk in surprise.  
  
"Come, Anakin. We will buy some bread and baked beans. Carrots are for wusses."  
  
"Yes, Master."  
  
Obi-Wan pushed the trolley towards the canned food section, a figurative raincloud hanging over his head. Well, not exactly figurative. There were a lot of cloud-shaped signs with special offers written on them hanging from the ceiling, low enough to whack anyone taller than 4'10" in the eyes. Obi-Wan's head was preoccupied with ways of getting Yoda into an accident without anyone suspecting anything, and had just thought of using mind-control on a hapless homeless man to make him rugby tackle Yoda into the path of an oncoming double-decker bus, when it hit him. Literally.   
  
"OW! Stupid thing!" he said, rubbing his eye where the cloud-shaped 'Special Price on Laundry Detergent!' sign had hit him.  
  
"Are you alright, Master?" Anakin asked, trying very hard not to laugh, something which Yoda was already doing rather hysterically.  
  
"I'm fine. What is this detergent offer doing in the canned food aisle?!"  
  
"To catch the shoppers' attention and steer them toward a less popular aisle, Master, namely the detergent aisle."  
  
"It was a figurative question, my young Padawan," said Obi-Wan, annoyed. Anakin was very stupid most times, but other times he was annoyingly clever at making deductions.  
  
"Would you like me to get the baked beans, Master?"  
  
"No, Anakin. You will come with me to select some beverages. And _you_," said Obi-Wan to Yoda. "You will stay in the trolley and occupy yourself with selecting a reputable brand of baked beans."  
  
Obi-Wan stalked off to the hot drinks aisle. Anakin followed. The fangirl-types, having alerted their friends, followed Anakin.  
  
"Anakin, go get Earl Grey and Darjeeling for you and me, and decaf store-brand for that twit midget in the trolley."  
  
"Something is troubling you, Master."  
  
"There is _nothing_ troubling me, Anakin."  
  
"Master, if it means anything, I think you're way cooler than Master Yoda. He's far too full of himself, and he's..._naggy_." Anakin looked thoughtful. "Master, why does Yoda have his knife in your back all the time?"  
  
"You know our ratty old Fiat?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Well, I suggested to the Council that they could afford to get us a Range Rover, and maybe even a scooter or two to cruise around on, if we replaced Master Yoda's souped-up chaffeured limo with a normal four-door sedan."  
  
"You mean the limo with the special kid leather booster seats, satellite TV and DVD entertainment system with surround sound?"  
  
"And the game consoles, yes. Well, of course, Master Yoda wasn't too pleased. The other Council members agreed with me, but he vetoed the idea. Then we got into a bit of a duel because I said it was unfair that he had veto power."  
  
"Oh! Was _that_ why you got sent to do community service in the Hereston tourist info centre, and I trained under Master Windu for a while?"  
  
Obi-Wan sighed. "Yes, Anakin."  
  
Anakin looked adamant. "Well, I still think you're cooler than Master Yoda."  
  
Obi-Wan looked at Anakin and smiled for the first time that day. "Thank you, Anakin."  
  
Anakin smiled back. "Also, I don't want tea. Can I have strawberry Nesquik instead?"  
  
Obi-Wan narrowed his eyes. "Was that why you said I was cooler than Yoda?"  
  
Anakin looked comically shocked at the idea. "No!" he said derisively. Obi-Wan still looked at him with suspicion. "Well, okay, I may have, but I did mean it as well."  
  
"Fine. FINE. Go get your stupid strawberry Nesquik, serve my tea to blasted Master Yoda, go flirt with the neighbourhood girls and fill yourself to bursting with baked beans on toast and Pepsi! See if I care!" Obi-Wan grabbed his tea from the shelf and stomped off in the direction of the canned food aisle, blinded by anger.  
  
So blind was he that he didn't see a trolley laden with enough food to feed an entire regiment in the Republic's clone army, plus enough miscellaneous hypermarket things to keep them clean - baked beans, tuna, sardines, carrots, eggs, cabbages, bread, butter, rye crackers, milk, cookies, razors, shampoo, shower gel, cleanser and God knows what else - making it's way unmanned towards him. It rammed into him, causing him to flip over and land into it in a sequence that any slapstick comedy movie director would have been proud of.  
  
"BLOODY HELL!"  
  
"Master, are you alright?!" asked Anakin as he ran towards the trolley waving a container of strawberry Nesquik in one hand and a box of ready-made soup croutons and another box of decaf store-brand tea in the other.  
  
"On task you must keep your mind, Obi-Wan," said Yoda maliciously, as it was him and his Jedi Force that steered the trolley towards - or more accurately, into - Obi-Wan. Anakin helped his Master out of the trolley. Obi-Wan looked rather harrassed and homicidal, so Anakin decided to take matters into his own hands.  
  
He was about to ask Obi-Wan in the usual Padawan way if he wanted to go home, when, noticing the fangirl-types lurking around in the background, he changed his mind about calling him 'Master'. "Would you like to go home now, dad? Kenny's getting a bit restless."  
  
Obi-Wan looked at Anakin as if he'd gone crazy. Anakin looked sideways at the girls, hoping Obi-Wan would get the message. He did. "Yes, Anakin. Let's go home. I think Kenny needs a diaper change."  
  
As they went to the counter, the girls started speculating about whether Anakin, his 'dad' and 'Kenny' were a single-parent family. They also gushed at how handsome Anakin was, and how responsible.  
  
At the counter, they encountered a bit of a problem.  
  
"That would be two thousand, eight hundred and fifty-nine and seventy-four, please."  
  
"Two thousand what?!" exclaimed Obi-Wan.  
  
The cashier turned the till display to him and repeated, "Two thousand, eight hundred and fifty-nine and seventy-four, sir."  
  
Obi-Wan turned pale. Anakin thought quickly and began to pretend to tickle his baby brother Kenny, when in fact he was forcefully extracting Yoda's credit card from his robes. Anakin cleared his throat.  
  
"Dad?"  
  
"Yes, Anakin?"  
  
"Here," said Anakin, handing over the credit card. "Kenny was playing with it."  
  
Obi-Wan turned to Yoda, who was still sitting rather sulkily in the trolley. He grinned in a disturbingly evil way for a former Jedi Knight. "Bad boy, Kenny. You got daddy worried there." He handed over the credit card to the cashier. Yoda made sounds of protest. Anakin shoved a lollipop in his mouth.   
  
"There, there, Kenny, we'll be going home soon to change your diaper."  
  
After paying for all the things they'd bought, they lugged it all to the car with much help from the fangirl-types, whom Obi-Wan noticed still lurking around. He mind-controlled them into carrying everything into the ratty old Fiat.  
  
"Thank you, girls," he said to them as they stood by the car, giggling.  
  
"It wasn't a problem, Mr. Kenobi," they chorused.   
  
Anakin dumped Yoda into the child-seat before getting into the front passenger side. Obi-Wan was whistling quite happily as he backed the car out of the parking space.  
  
"OW!" yelled Anakin suddenly, clutching the side of his head dramatically.  
  
"Anakin! Are you alright?!"  
  
"For stealing my credit card that was, and for saying cooler your Master is than me!" said Yoda. "Turning into your Master you are! Not pleased the Council will be when hear of this they do!" He hit Anakin with his staff again. Anakin began to whimper. He had a rather nasty-looking cut on his forehead.  
  
Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant drive home for the young Padawan. It was even less of a pleasant drive for his long-suffering Master.

* * *

  
  
"Anakin, stay still!"   
  
"That bastard hit me! ME! The Chosen One who will bring Balance back to the Force!" yelled Anakin. He sneered and said in a cruel imitation of Yoda, "Not pleased the Council will be when hear of this they do."  
  
Obi-Wan sniggered. "It's a good thing he tossed some Dettol into the trolley, eh? Now stay still, this will sting just a _little_."  
  
"OW!"  
  
"Maybe not so little, then."  
  
Yoda had left 12 Hedge Lane in a huff in his souped-up limousine. Upon investigation of what else he had dumped into the trolley, Obi-Wan and Anakin had found such strange things as frozen oysters, frozen Duchess potatoes, caviar, and a bedroom set of pale blue adhesive-backed wallpaper, complete with a border of cutesy, rather mad-looking farm animals. Anakin had also found things that, for a young man who had been exposed to Padme Purity Syndrome, were quite disturbing to discover.  
  
"Umm...Master?"  
  
"Yes, Anakin," said Obi-Wan rather absentmindedly, as he was trying to decipher the foreign instructions on the box of a frozen Sachertorte.  
  
"Master..." Anakin whimpered.  
  
Obi-Wan looked up at his Padawan in surprise. Anakin was holding up a box of assorted tampons and a Venus razor. He looked very disturbed.  
  
"Blast that twit midget!" said Obi-Wan, taking the tampons and Venus razor from Anakin. He peered into the bag that Anakin had been going through. At a glance, he saw Cutex nail-polish remover, more tampons and girly shampoo, conditioner and shower gel with fruit and botanical essences. He heard a door slam upstairs. He looked up from the bag and saw that Anakin was nowhere to be seen. Presently he heard very loud music with lots of swearing coming from Anakin's room.  
  
Anakin, after his unfortunate surprise exposure to the world of feminine hygiene, was trying to act very, very butch.  
  
Obi-Wan let him be. He started keeping everything away into the cupboards and the fridge. He was quite happy with the results of the outing, because when he and Anakin moved in, they decided to buy a huge fridge so that they would never go hungry. The fridge had always looked pitifully empty, but now it looked like a fridge in a fridge commercial: full of expensive food.  
  
By the time he was done, it was well past midnight. Anakin's Limp Bizkit CD had played out a long time ago. Obi-Wan took the wallpaper set and girly things up with him. He stopped by Anakin's room and knocked on the door.  
  
"Anakin?"  
  
There was no reply. Obi-Wan opened the door and peered around it. The lights were still on and the door to the bathroom was open. Anakin was sprawled on the bed wearing his Johnny Bravo pyjamas. Obi-Wan looked distastefully at the posters of Britney Spears on the wall, which were covering the Thomas the Tank-Engine wallpaper he had chosen for Anakin. Obi-Wan shook him awake.  
  
"Anakin?"  
  
"Whaaat?" came the grumpy reply.  
  
"Have you brushed your teeth and flossed yet?"  
  
"Yeeeesss. God, d'you have to be so anal about it?"  
  
"Just checking."  
  
Anakin grumpily turned over. Obi-Wan tucked him in under the Johnny Bravo covers and put Anakin's mangy old teddy-bear under his arm.   
  
"Good night, Anakin."  
  
"Mmmph."  
  
Obi-Wan turned the lights off on the way out. On the way to his room, he dumped the wallpaper set and girly things into the guest bedroom across the hall from Anakin's. He looked around the empty room, grinning his disturbingly evil grin and fingering Yoda's credit card which he had nicked in a planned sequence of events that would have made Fagin's eyes brim with tears of pride.  
  
"We'll buy furniture tomorrow."

* * *


End file.
